The Dreaded Question

I’m going to pause our story to talk about the dreaded question.  It’s a question that seems so innocent, but it’s like a punch to the gut every time I hear it: “Do you guys have any kids?”  It’s a normal question to ask someone, right?  Almost everyone has kids, right? And anyone that doesn’t have them is probably planning to, right?  WRONG!  And then the follow-up question is even more uncomfortable: “Do you want kids?” or “Are you planning to have kids?” 

That question is not only very personal, but I’ve found that many people ask but only want the answer if it’s “Yes, we do have/want children!” I always wonder when people ask that question if they are prepared for the real answer.   

“We do want children, but we’ve miscarried 13 times and haven’t been able to carry to term” 

“We had a baby, but it died during childbirth” 

“I’m pregnant right now but I’m not ready to share” 

“We’ve just found out we aren’t able to have children” 

“I’m in the middle of an IVF cycle right now and I’m feeling sore and bloated and stressed and terrified” 

“We don’t want children” 

“We’ve been trying for eight and a half years, have done multiple fertility treatments, and are scared we will never have a child” (This one is us, by the way) 

Seven years ago, here is how we would answer: “We’d like to!” or “We’re working on it!” while cringing inside knowing that we had just gone through four unsuccessful IUIs, a miscarriage, and a year and a half of trying to conceive.  Now, seven years later?  Do people really want to know the true answer behind the innocent question “Do you want children?”  My typical response these days is “We have two fur babies!” Jaxson and Pieces are part of our family, and for now, they are our kids! 

In my experience, if people have children, they will tell you about them.  You don’t have to ask.  People are proud of their kids, as they should be!  I promise, it will come up in conversation.  If you are meeting someone for the first time and looking for a conversation starter, please, try not to use that question.