Things that are Hard

Infertility itself is hard, but there are many everyday things that are made difficult or challenging that many may not realize.

1. Going into new social situations.  Because of the inevitable question, “Do you guys have kids?”  I have been in several situations where after I answer “No, we don’t” or “We have two fur babies!” that people just cease conversation… like, they’re not sure what they can talk to me about if I can’t share stories about our kids.   

2. Pregnancy announcements.  This one is maybe obvious but it’s definitely one of the most difficult.  I’m always happy for people who are pregnant because, trust me, I know what a miracle it is.  But that doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to be excited.  There’s nothing like scrolling through Facebook and seeing a cute photo of the family dog with a sign that says “Big Sister 2021” or a little onesie with a sonogram beside it.  Not to mention that nothing on social media gets more likes, more comments, more adoration than a pregnancy or birth announcement.  Like I said, it is the most beautiful thing, and it does deserve love and attention.  But it also gives us infertiles a feeling of “nothing you ever do in your life will be as significant as having a child”.   I always appreciate an individualized text, phone call, or one-on-one in person announcement.  It’s still difficult to hear, but it lets me know that the person recognizes the fragility of emotions around it. 

3. Being in environments that are kid focused.  I enjoy taking my niece to Kinsmen Park or the WonderHub.  In 2018 we went on a family trip to Disney World and loved every minute of it.  Sitting on the beach on a hot summer day is one of my favorite things to do.  But when I look around and watch parents interacting with their children, that sense of enjoyment is overshadowed by sadness.  Wishing that we could be sharing this experience with our own children.   

4. Being excluded because we don’t have children.  I’ve had this conversation with a few people, and at the end of the day it makes sense.  People with kids like to spend time with other people with kids because it gives their kids something to do.  Someone once told me that they hung out with some couples, not because they liked the couple, but because they had kids that were the same age, and it was convenient.  Our friends and family are wonderful, and they include us in their lives, but we have lost touch with some friends and don’t see others as often as we would if we had children. 

5. Not being able to give my dad a grandchild or make my sister an auntie.  Growing up we were very close as a family.  We always had birthdays and holidays together with our grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  My life was supposed to be like that.  Families are brought together by children.  Seeing my friends whose parents are now grandparents and have siblings who have children… that’s hard.