Diamond Judy

Our second round of IVF had been identical to our first. We were feeling frustrated; there had been no change to our medication protocol and no additional testing had been requested. My OBGYN referred us to a clinic in Calgary in hopes that they could investigate further and offer a new plan.

Waitlists for fertility clinics are common.  We were referred in August and were set to have our introductory session in Calgary in February. The clinic required us to come for an orientation in a lecture theater at one of the hospitals.  The orientation would include an introduction to the clinic and program, an overview of their team and services, success stories and support services, costs and financial support.  They would require us to repeat all the bloodwork, tests, and ultrasounds we had done previously. We would meet with our doctor, as well as the clinic’s psychologist to discuss our current situation and our plan going forward. 

Coming back to August: My mom was still recovering from surgery and was doing intensive chemotherapy. One afternoon our family came out to our acreage to bury our family dog who had passed away in March.  After having a pet funeral for Tori, Mom shared with us that her cancer was continuing to spread throughout her pelvic area. She was in a tremendous amount of pain.  She was going to have another surgery where they would remove her bladder and as many of the lesions as they could. My Mom was a 5’3’’ 110-pound fighter and was going to do anything she could to not let cancer win. She joked that she would actually enjoy having her bladder removed because she would have to stop at gas station bathrooms on road trips. 

Mom went in for surgery on October 7^th. The next five months were some of the most mentally and emotionally challenging I’ve ever gone through. Not only was this surgery invasive, but Mom still hadn’t fully recovered from the lung surgery. Beginning October 7^th, I made the trip to Royal University Hospital every day to see my Mom. Her recovery was so slow.  If you’ve ever had a sick parent and had to see them in a hospital bed, you know the feeling of helplessness. My Mom had always been the one to take care of me, and now I was taking care of her. 

I believe it was December 27^th when my Dad sat me down in my parents’ living room and told me that Mom was not going to recover from this. The doctor had given a prognosis of two months. Mom didn’t want us to know. Every day after that I sat with my Mom, knowing my time with her was coming to an end.

On January 16th, my sister got engaged. We planned a wedding in 5 days so that Mom and Dad could walk her down the aisle. We had a photographer come to the hospital and take family photos before the ceremony, which was held in the hospital chapel. We had a party at Mom and Dad’s house and Mom came home for the first time since Christmas Eve. It was a magical day, even though I had food poisoning (but that’s a whole other story!).

On January 29^th we found out that Mom would be transferred to palliative care at St. Paul’s Hospital, or the Symptom Management Unit, as Mom called it.  She didn’t like the word palliative. Two days after she was moved to the SMU, Dustin and I were scheduled to leave for Calgary for our orientation. I didn’t want to leave.  What if something happened while we were gone? What if it was the last time I would see my Mom? My family encouraged us to go. They said Mom wouldn’t want us to stick around just for her, she would want us to keep working on building our family. 

We went to Calgary for the orientation. I didn’t sleep while we were there because I kept waiting for a phone call in the middle of the night telling me that Mom died. The orientation was important to me, but my heart was back in Saskatoon with my Mom. She held on for us. I returned to the hospital the day we got home to tell her all about our trip. Mom died on February 21^st; one month after Mary and Morgan’s wedding.

During Mom’s 7 years with cancer, Dad wrote a blog. I keep the page open on my phones browser and I go back to read posts everyone once and awhile. I reread certain entries before I wrote this post. I cried a lot. I miss my Mom from the deepest part of my heart. I believe she’s in heaven with our babies we were never able to hold.