My laparoscopic surgery to remove the endometriosis was successful. Feeling hopeful that this had been part of our undiagnosed problem, I made an appointment with our fertility clinic to review the results of our surgery and discuss next steps. After endometriosis is removed, it can grow back if not managed. Birth control is commonly prescribed to prevent the tissue from growing. Being on birth control is obviously counterproductive in what we are trying to achieve. My OBGYN advised that I could abstain from it for 6 months, but if I did not become pregnant in that time, I would need to start taking it.
We had our appointment in Calgary exactly 6 months after my surgery. The clinic has a team of doctors, all specializing in different areas of infertility. They assigned us to a doctor who works primarily with egg and embryo donor patients. We brought the surgery report and photos to the appointment for our new doctor to review. We also had updated bloodwork, ultrasounds, and semen analysis done. In the meeting, we went over our history and past IVF cycles. The news was not what we hoped for. The area that the endometriosis was removed from would not have had an impact on a successful IVF. Everything still appeared to be “normal” in our other tests. She said based on our history, our chance of having a biological baby (naturally or through IVF) was less than 3%. We had never done genetic testing, but based on what our outcome had been, it was likely that we produced genetically abnormal embryos. We could try another IVF cycle and have the embryos tested, but with a 3% chance of pregnancy, she asked if we had considered a donor.
Donors in the infertility world… Sperm donors, egg donors, embryo donors, surrogates. Babies are made in all sorts of ways. It is overwhelming when you are put in a situation to decide on one. Because we do not truly know why we can’t have biological children, we’re trying to make a decision using the information we do have. Things we know for sure: an embryo can implant (because I’ve had a chemical pregnancy), I do have eggs (because my AMH is in the normal range), I have low response to medication (because I needed a significant amount of medication to produce more than two eggs), our embryos are able to make it to day 3, but not good enough quality to wait until day 5 transfer (based on our previous IVF cycles), my tubes are open and my uterus is the right shape (based on my HSG), the lining of my uterus reaches proper thickness and shape before transfers (based on ultrasounds). What we do not know is if it is the quality of my eggs, quality of Dustin’s sperm, or our DNA combined that is causing issue. Based on our knowns and unknowns, we decided to put our names on the embryo donor list.
What is an embryo donor? When a patient goes through IVF, they can end up with multiple viable embryos. If the patient has a successful pregnancy or pregnancies and feels their family is complete before using all their embryos, they can donate them to the donor program. Patients like Dustin and I, who are unable to have children of their own, can apply to adopt embryos. This means the embryos are created from another couple’s egg and sperm, but I would have the opportunity to carry the baby and experience pregnancy. The process of embryo adoption is like adoption of a baby: background checks, home studies, counselling, as well as bloodwork, an HSG, and ultrasounds. But first, the waiting list. It could take up to two years before our names would reach the top. So, we left the clinic that day ready to wait.
Dustin and I have less than a 3% chance of having a biological child. I can’t quite put into words how that makes me feel. Dustin is my other half. Not only do I think our children would have been amazing human beings, but I think they would have been pretty darn cute. It took me years of grieving before I could come to terms with it. Even though I’ve accepted it, I’m still grieving.
We will never hear “He’s got your eyes” or “She looks just like you did at that age”, but we will love that child more than anyone could know. Because regardless of DNA, that child will be a part of us and a part of our story. That child will always know what a miracle they are. That child will be loved beyond words.
Icing and Animal Crackers 