Infertility: Going Public

When I started my blog and Instagram page, I had to mentally prepare myself to share this personal story publicly. I have found writing therapeutic. I know that infertility is a topic that has become more common, but there are still many aspects people are unaware of unless they have gone through it themselves. My hope was to share our story, but also to educate and provide answers to questions people may not want to ask. One of my favorite parts about sharing is the connection I’ve made with others. I’ve received messages from people going through or know someone who is going through similar experiences. I’ve had people reach out to tell me they’ve learned something or that they had no idea about the mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, or financial toll associated with infertility.  

Everything I have shared regarding our testing, procedures, treatments, and losses have been past tense. They are stories from our journey that we have experienced, mourned, grieved, and learned from. As I get closer to sharing our most recent endeavors, I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable sharing experiences in real time.  

I follow several accounts of couples who are going through infertility, recurring miscarriages, IUI and IVF cycles, and adoption. All of them share daily updates: ultrasounds, medical appointments, pregnancy tests, etc. I know, of course, that they are not sharing everything. But they do share some very personal, real-time experiences. There are two women who I feel a connection to, even though I don’t know them, and they don’t know me. One lives on Vancouver Island and the other in Florida. They have both struggled with infertility for 9 years, like I have. Coincidently, they were doing IVF cycles at the same time. I watched their stories every day, relating to the injections, the fluctuation in hormones, the egg retrievals, the three-day wait, the embryo transfers, the uncertainty, and the ten-day bloodwork. As I followed, I relived all the feelings I had during those stages. Both women had done previous IVF cycles but had never transferred embryos because of embryo abnormalities. This was the first time they had held their little bundles in their wombs and hoped for them to stick and grow. Their stories were filled with nervousness and hope. One had sworn that she “felt pregnant”. She had cravings, cramping, breast tenderness, and skin irritation. I have felt all these things and also took them as positive signs. I have also learned that these symptoms can occur because of the medication.  

Both women’s transfers ended in loss. One started bleeding the night before her bloodwork. The other found out after the bloodwork results. Heart wrenching. Shitty. Unfair. Devastating. All the emotions I experienced, they experienced. The difference is, I was able to grieve privately. They are grieving in the eyes of thousands of people. That takes courage to share that extremely sensitive piece of your heart. 

I also follow a woman who struggled with infertility for 10 years. She recently announced on her page that she is pregnant. She did not publicly share that she was going through an IVF cycle until after she was 10 weeks pregnant. When she shared this news, I felt a mixture of hope, happiness, sadness and jealousy. I follow this person because I could relate to her struggles, but now she has moved on to the next chapter while I remain part of the infertile club. Pregnancy posts are always sensitive for me. I made the choice to unfollow this person. It is not that I’m not happy for her, but I’m not in a place where I feel ready to follow pregnancy updates instead of IVF treatments.  

So, why do I bring all of this up? I have decided to publicly share a large part of our journey. If we do decide to continue with more fertility treatments and if we do become pregnant, I have reservations about sharing in real time. I know that some who follow my blog are friends and family who have not struggled with infertility; therefore, would be overjoyed to see a pregnancy announcement. I also know that some who follow are going through the same thing we are. I know from experience that it is possible to feel happy for the person and sad for yourself at the same time. I don’t ever want to blindside anyone with a social media pregnancy announcement. I guess I haven’t come to a decision with regards to sharing our future plans. For now, I’ll continue to share our past and see where our story goes.