Cheers to 10 Years

On Thursday, June 2^nd we celebrated our 10^th wedding anniversary! This milestone anniversary got me thinking about our lives over the last 10 years. I came to the realization that for 95% of our marriage, we have been trying to have a baby. That’s 9 years and 6 months of doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, bloodwork, surgeries, tests, and fertility treatments. That’s a lot of time, money, physical, emotional, and mental energy to invest in something that has given us no return on investment.

I got thinking about everything we’ve learned about each other over these 10 years and through this experience. Here are three of them that I think are important: 

1. How to be better communicators. Communication is something that develops over time in any relationship. You learn what topics or phrases spark interest or joy, and which ones will get under skin or cause defensiveness. You learn what times of the day or during what activities you communicate best. You learn what language to use when you need to have a heavy or sensitive conversation. Dustin and I have had to have many heavy conversations and make many tough decisions. When you are going through something as all-consuming as infertility, it starts to creep into every conversation and every decision. About 8 years ago, Dustin told me that the topic of infertility was wearing on him. He was anxious at the thought of me bringing heavy topics into every conversation. He asked if we could schedule times to talk about these things, rather than letting it infiltrate at any moment. That idea was so simple, yet so important for our communication. It allowed us to enjoy our conversation again because I knew there would be a time and a place for the heavy stuff. 

2. Who we are as individuals and as a couple. Because our focus has not revolved around children for the 10 years we have been married, we have got to know each other very well. When a family has children, they are the center of their parent’s world. From my observations (as someone who does not have children), schedules usually revolve around the kids eating, sleeping, activities, sports, and so on. Dustin and I both have careers that require a lot of our time and mental energy, but when evenings and weekends roll around, we come home to only each other (and our pups). It has given us a lot of opportunities to know each other’s habits and interests, likes and dislikes. We have the luxury of making decisions and basing our schedule on only us.  

3. What we enjoy together. It’s hard not to envy those couples we see playing with their kids at the park or loading up their vehicles on their way to their baseball practice. There are days when it’s hard not to think about opportunities we are missing, to watch our children learn and grow like everyone else. So, we’ve had to be intentional about finding activities we enjoy doing together. We like to drink coffee on Saturday mornings, go out to our favorite restaurants, spend time boating and golfing at the lake, binge watch TV shows, bike down by the river, cross-country ski, travel, go to concerts and games. We like to spend time with friends and family, but we also enjoy spending time with just the two of us.  

I wonder sometimes if my blog gives the impression that infertility consumes our life. Some days it does, but for the most part, we’ve learned not to let it be the focus of our marriage. It’s not the life that we thought we would have, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. We actually have a wonderful life together and a lot to be thankful for. I can’t wait to see what the next 10 years brings!