The New Plan

People with infertility go through a lot of experiences that others don’t have to, experiences many people aren’t aware of. One of those experiences is having to continually go back to the lab for bloodwork to monitor your HSG level back to zero. Going into the lab for that initial blood test to find out if your pregnant is emotional. You’re filled with hope, fear, promise, and the unknown. Going back for bloodwork when you know you are going to miscarry feels demeaning. You are tracking your body’s failure. I had to go back four times before my level went down to zero.

The next thing people don’t understand is the physical pain you go through when your body finally releases what it has grown. Yes, our little embryo was only a few days old, but my body was preparing for it to grow. The amniotic sac had started to form. The physical and emotional pain of passing it is almost unbearable.

For several weeks after our chemical pregnancy, I was not myself. I was in a fog, I wasn’t enjoying things I normally would, and I wasn’t sleeping. I had so many emotions running through me: hurt, disappointment, disbelief, anger, sadness, frustration, and self-loathing. I started to write down how I was feeling and the experiences we had gone through. I felt better when I was writing. And that, of course, is how this blog came to be.

During the weeks that followed our pregnancy loss, I was determined to find a way for us to have a baby. I needed a solution that would finally end this chapter in our lives, end our infertility. I researched surrogacy and egg donors. I won’t go into details, but I have exceptionally amazing people in my life that we’re willing to help us with those things if that was the route we wanted to go.

During our follow up appointment with our doctor, we shared that we had explored these options and told her that we just wanted to make the choice that gave us the greatest chance of having a child. She said that using a known egg donor would likely be our best chance for success. Typically, when someone uses an egg donor, the eggs come to the clinic frozen. They are thawed, fertilized, and then transferred. If you are able to use an egg donor who is known to you, the eggs are fertilized before freezing. At this point, embryos can be genetically tested. This process can rule out abnormalities that may contribute to infertility. At the time that Dustin and I did IVF with our own embryos, genetic testing wasn’t available at our clinic.

The process of using a known egg donor is lengthy. There is testing the donor needs to go through (all of the same bloodwork and ultrasounds I had to do prior to my IVF cycles), as well as legal paperwork and counselling. Once all of that is complete, medication can be started in preparation for the retrieval. Because of this timeline and circumstances around our donor, our doctor suggested we try another donor embryo cycle in the meantime.

In the midst of all of this my thyroid had gone way out of whack. My doctor prescribed me Synthroid to bring my levels make to a normal range. Believing that my thyroid could have contributed to our pregnancy loss, we decided to try another donor embryo cycle. It wasn’t until March of 2022 that my thyroid level fell into normal range, but infertility is all about waiting…