Not the End

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. I’ve sat down a few times between now and November and attempted to write. I’ve started a few and not finished. I’ve finished a few and decided I wasn’t ready to post. The following is a post I started writing back in October. It has been almost a year since our last fertility procedure. It has been almost a year since we miscarried our last donor embryo babies. It has taken almost a year, but I’m finally ready to share where things are at…

After our miscarriage in March 2022, I felt completely lost. This was our third donor embryo transfer and our second miscarriage in under a year. This one was supposed to work. There was no explanation why it didn’t. After grieving a loss, I’m always compelled to do something productive, to research, to plan, to find answers. When I miscarried in August, I researched surrogacy and egg donors. I began to accept those things as part of our plan, but my doctor urged us to try another donor embryo because there wasn’t any evidence that my body was the reason I miscarried. This time, I couldn’t fathom going through the process of using an egg donor or a surrogate. The thought of both of those avenues felt too daunting to explore. We still didn’t have answers, only hypothetical explanations. Instead of further tests or treatments, I sought counselling.  

I’ve mentioned a counsellor in previous posts. That person was connected to the Cancer Centre; I began to see her when my Mom was dying. She had personal and professional experience with infertility and grief, so I continued to see her for years after Mom died. But I felt that I should find another counsellor so that I was not using resources that are in place for patients with cancer and their families. I did some research and found (the only) counsellor that specializes in infertility in Saskatoon. She was not currently taking new clients, but I reached out to her anyway. I explained who I was and what I had gone through and asked if she could put me on a waiting list to see her. She replied and said she was planning to take on a few new clients in April 2022 and that she would be happy to see me. I knew from her biography that she had struggled with infertility but now had a child. I knew she would be able to empathize with most of my experience, but she was now on the other side. 

I was scrolling through Instagram shortly after booking my appointment with the new counsellor and came across a post about being childless after infertility. The post came from a counsellor based in Vancouver. She had been diagnosed with unexplained infertility, gone through tests and treatments, and was now living childless. It may sound silly, but I didn’t even consider it an option… to be childless after all we had been through. After 10 years, multiple tests, surgeries, procedures, meetings, appointments, and medications, we should have a baby in our arms. But the reality is, we don’t. And we’re not alone. It’s common to share stories of success; the miracle babies that are born because some didn’t give up. It’s less often that we share stories of those who gave it their all, did not end up with a child, but survived. I reached out to this counsellor, and we connected over Zoom. She’s not the first person I know that is childless after infertility, but she was the first person I had met who was public about it. My session with her was difficult but empowering.

I’m finally ready to share the next part of our story. The part where we rebuild our life after infertility knowing we may never have a child. I have so much to say about how we got here, because it was not (and is still not) easy. More to come in future posts. As always, thank you for reading.