This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and honestly, it crept up on me this year! I remember the first year that I made a social media post for NIAW. I was so nervous for what people’s reaction would be, but I also wanted to make people aware that this is something that affects 1 out of 6 people. I think I have made a post every year since then, and of course in 2021, I started this blog and really made our story public.
It was about this time last year that I sat on the phone with my sister, talking about what Dustin and I were going to do next. Our third donor embryo transfer had ended in miscarriage, and I just felt like I couldn’t keep doing what we were doing. I remember saying to her that if our infertility story did not end with a baby, that I felt people would judge us. I think my exact words were “Nobody likes a story that doesn’t end with a miracle”. There is this perception that people who don’t end up with a baby after infertility have “given up” or “not explored all of their options” or “not tried everything that they could”. This could not be further from the truth. Everyone’s story is valid: whether they tried naturally, did IUI, IVF, surrogate, donor, miscarriage, stillbirth, baby, no baby. Each person who has infertility has had their own experiences and they cannot be compared to others. I’m not a mom (obviously) but I would imagine that you could compare it to motherhood experiences. Every child is different and every person’s experience with parenting is unique, but all are valid.
It was after our last miscarriage that I started to explore childlessness as an “option”. It is never the popular option, but it is still one. I started to follow childless not by choice Instagram accounts and realized that it is, in fact, part of many people’s infertility story. It’s hard not to compare yourself to others. I watch as some people continue to take supplements and do genetic testing and change medication protocols. Sometimes I wonder, should we have done that? Should we have made different decisions? Should we have “tried harder” or “explored more options”? The reality is, we made the choices we made because they were right for us at the time. That includes the choice to step away from pursuing further treatments.
If I can offer advice that those who are supporting someone who is going through this (especially during National Infertility Awareness Week), it would be this – honor the person’s feelings and respect their choices. Do not flood them with toxic positivity and false hope. Do not impose your own discomfort with childlessness on them. Don’t pity them. And please, please, please, don’t ask them if they’ve considered adoption. Adoption is not a cure for infertility, and it is not right for everyone. I promise you; they have thought about it, and they will share their thoughts if they want to.
If you are going through infertility yourself, do what you need to do for yourself. Avoid social media or baby showers or birthday parties if you need to. Don’t feel ashamed or that you haven’t done enough. Infertility is an unfair disease, and you didn’t do anything to cause it. We won’t all end up with our miracle baby, but we will all be ok.
Icing and Animal Crackers 