I was chatting with a friend a few months ago about this blog and my Icing and Animal Crackers Instagram page. She asked if I was going to continue writing, even though we are no longer trying to have children. I started the blog in August 2021 after our second donor embryo transfer ended in a miscarriage. Writing was a way for me to process what was happening then, but it also helped me process what we had gone through in the previous 8 years. I had an abundance of thoughts I wanted to put into writing; I had a lot to reflect on. Now that we are no longer pursuing any type of treatment, my thoughts and reflections have shifted. Though I hoped it wouldn’t be the case, I knew that our story may end without a child. When I was thinking of a name for this blog, I intentionally chose something that did not have the words IFV or fertility or baby in it. I wanted the option to keep sharing our story even if it did not include those things.
I mentioned at the end of my last post that I’ve been intentional about choices. I’m writing less frequently now, but I am intentional about keeping up with it. I want to place the same importance on our childless life as I would have if we had a child. I want to normalize this story, this outcome at the end of a fertility journey. I’ve mentioned before that if you had told me 5 years ago, I would learn to accept living a childless life, I wouldn’t have believed you. It wasn’t until I began this work towards acceptance that I came to realize that this is the end of the journey for many. I continue to follow accounts of people who are still going through treatments: one just found out she wasn’t pregnant after her sixth round of IVF; one has been on IV therapy and supplements and just paid $20,000 on top of the cost of the IVF cycle for specialized genetic testing of her embryos; one is debating when to transfer her last frozen embryo (she won’t have any more after this one because of diminished egg quality); and one is prepping for her final donor embryo. I follow these accounts and empathize whole heartedly with these women and the points they are at, and at the same time, I feel liberated that I am no longer in that state of emotional agony. I want to share our story as a success story, a miracle, even though it doesn’t include a baby.
We’ve made some intentional choices this year. We are building a new house in an area of our city that we’ve always wanted to live in. It is close to the river, walking and biking trails, restaurants, and downtown. We have loved our house that we live in now, but it is in a family-friendly neighborhood, which no longer serves our (hoped for) lifestyle. We have never built a house together, and this one we are doing is just for us. No “potential” kids’ room or consideration of how a baby might fit into the space. We have kept up with the activities we like doing together, like cross-country skiing, biking, and golfing, but we’ve also taken up paddle boarding and added dance lessons to our weekly schedule. We’re planning a camping trip with our dogs in the mountains (something we’ve talked about doing for the last few years but haven’t committed to until this summer). We’re spending lots of quality time with our niece and nephew. We recognize how fortunate we are to have these little people in our lives that we can be so close and involved with. We have also embraced the luxury of enjoying our time with them and then being able to send them back to their mom and dad!
Making these choices and focusing on the privileges we have because we don’t have children, has allowed me to find happiness, excitement, and peace in this life that I didn’t think we’d have. It continues to be a work in progress, but in this moment, I’m content.
Icing and Animal Crackers 